Appreciate your partner

Whilst it is true that people sometimes marry for convenience, it is also true that in many cases, people marry for love. Even if it was the parents who guided the choice, after a while it often happens that the partners begin to love their spouse. At that point, we are happy to be with the other person and to rejoice in their presence by our side. This joy and happiness are, moreover, blessed by God. When Eve was created, Adam was happy. He was glad to have her by his side.

What is it that makes us admire the other person?

In reality, there are many things we admire in our partner at that moment. A woman admires her husband’s strength and power, his authority, his material and financial wealth, his stature, his virility and his calm demeanour. A man admires his wife’s beauty, her freshness and youth, her modesty, her purity, her faithfulness and her companionship. At this stage, we even justify our partner’s negative behaviour by finding excuses for it. If the husband is violent, it is seen as proof of his virility. If he is stingy, it is seen as him saving money for the family. If he enjoys the company of other women, it is seen as him being a ladies’ man. If he does not pray much, it is seen as him being pragmatic.

If the wife is lazy, we tell ourselves she is resting because she worked hard in her youth and before marriage. If she enjoys going out with her female friends, we tell ourselves she is unwinding. If she is very talkative, we tell ourselves she is merely reacting to others’ provocations. If she isn’t involved in the Church, people think she’s making sacrifices for her children and her family.

Times of difficulty

However, when life’s difficulties overwhelm the couple and they find themselves disappointed and discouraged by life, the more the two are confronted with their partner’s weaknesses and sins. The longer one lives with them, the more one discovers what seemed hidden and what is displeasing. It is as if one’s eyes are suddenly wide open. One then begins to notice and take stock of the other’s faults.

So you, the wife, find that your husband is verbally abusive. He belittles you. He doesn’t spend enough time with you. He doesn’t look after the children enough. He’s stingy and only cares about his own family. He doesn’t take your need for affection into account. You used to find him sweet, but now you realise he’s unfaithful.

You, the husband, think your wife is a spendthrift, cares too much about her family and doesn’t think enough about yours. She neglects your breakfast and your clothes. She doesn’t respect you and speaks to you rudely. She only does what she wants. Sometimes even the other person’s good qualities are already seen as faults:

• The husband is charitable, and you think he’s wasting money.

• He’s always at home after work and you think he’s a homebody and might end up ‘counting the pieces of meat in the pot’.

• He’s understanding, and you think he’s already weak-willed.

• The wife is calm and you think she’s a ‘wimp’, shy.

• She’s always agreeable and you think she can’t say no to men.

• She’s tidy, and you think she’s already too preoccupied with herself.

• She prays a lot and you think she’s already turned your home into a church.

• She’s in good health, yet you think she’s too plump.

And so, in marriage, little by little, we cease to appreciate our partner enough. During arguments, we hurl their faults at them: ‘You’re like this, you’re like that’. We often see the other person only through a negative lens. This behaviour does not foster love: it actually diminishes it. Hence the need to relearn how to appreciate your spouse.

Appreciating one another

Take the example of a baby: food often drips from the corners of its mouth, it soils itself, and sometimes it has a runny nose, yet what love its mother has for it! She even finds it utterly adorable. In the Bible we see Jesus appreciating Peter: ‘It was not flesh and blood that revealed this to you, but the Father’ (Mt 16:17). Saint Paul says to the Corinthians: ‘My confidence in you is great. Great is the pride I take in you’ (2 Cor 7:4). Saint Paul also holds the Thessalonians in high regard: ‘You have learnt how to conduct yourselves to please God; that is how you are conducting yourselves’ (1 Thess 4:1). Song of Songs: The husband praises his wife: ‘How beautiful you are, my love, how beautiful… you have no flaw’ (Song 1:15).

In all of us there is sin, but there is also goodness. By forgiving us, God turns his face away from our faults to see the good that he himself enables us to do. Through Jesus, he justifies and sanctifies us. He encourages us and enables us to continue on our journey. When we don’t appreciate someone very much, they become discouraged. There are children whose parents don’t often appreciate them. They think to themselves: ‘No one ever sees the good things I do’. When they misbehave, we tell them off and punish them. When they behave well, we say nothing, and they become discouraged. But when we encourage a child, they often make an effort to improve their behaviour. I remember when my mother started encouraging me a lot. I was about 12 years old. That really helped me to become a good child. When I show my partner appreciation, it encourages them. When I show my partner appreciation, they know they can count on me. When we’re criticised excessively, we become vulnerable – even if we don’t show it – and we’re no longer very sure of ourselves.

That doesn’t mean that when someone behaves badly, we should praise them. No! We can offer criticism and correct the other person. But often, we no longer make room for appreciating our partner; there’s nothing but criticism. For example, a wife styles her hair nicely; she walks up and down several times so that her husband will notice her new look. But he says, ‘Why are you running round in circles like a child?’ At that moment, the husband misses an opportunity to compliment his wife.

When we are appreciated, it reassures us. There are people who love to be recognised and appreciated, but who find it hard to do the same for others. It is as if they were the only ones who deserved compliments and encouragement. Jesus gives us the Golden Rule: ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’ (Matthew 7:12). Each of us needs to be appreciated. If a spouse makes an effort to show their appreciation for the other person often, they will encourage and uplift them.

Henri and Judith Bayemi